I always joke with my friends that after college I’ll be the one that marries their career. That’s because I already am.
Whenever I begin to describe myself, I am made up of the things I do not the things I am necessarily passionate about. My life revolves around my life ambitions and I attach myself to any job put in front of me. Usually I over invest myself into projects and obsess about being on top. So it is no surprise that when I look at my life I’m a tad disappointed. I feel like I’m missing out on that feeling of being connected to someone. Knowing that they need me and I need them. Maybe it’s the many best friend fallouts I’ve experienced since 4th grade, maybe it’s because I’ve never been in a long-term relationship, I don’t know, but I haven’t really been able to connect to anyone on that level. It is easier for me to establish a connection to a job or project than it is to a person. I always say it’s because I don’t have time but really it is because I feel no hope for myself. I feel like I’ve already failed before I began. To put any effort into it means I actually care about what happens. As a result I just push myself to overachieve in clubs, organization, academics and life because it makes feeling so single a little less shitty.
I’m in no way trying to feel bad for myself. This is merely just an observation. I can’t help but feel that this is just the start of a very long lonely life and in a horrible way I’m starting to get used to it. I think I fear that most, that I will grow content with being… alone.
Marissa Osowsky 